Childlike

Today I feel like a child stuck in a grown up’s body. Ironically some of you may laugh because I do not quite have the stature of a full grown adult, but nonetheless as my feet dangle from the chair while I sit here and type this, I just feel like a child that is found to be in way over their head.

Perhaps it is the weather outside that has spurned this. The weather outside reminds me of a memory I had of traveling to College Station to an A&M game with my family. It was one of the few ‘vacations’ we ever took and I remember the thought of being the age to ever attend University seemed light years away. Yet here I am, with that memory and thought still fresh in my mind, but despite the years of growing up I still have that feeling of being a child in a foreign place. Some place where I am a visitor but not quite a member.

Sometimes I think I’m too sensitive that something like weather can just consume my whole person with this blanketing nostalgia-sometimes for memories that I can’t even fully recall. However this feeling like a child I think is so heavy because it has forced me to look back on time and reflect on the fleetingness of it, and really what it reveals and roots up in me is lack of control.

Lately I have wanted to really learn about God’s holiness. I would read about the angels in Revelation and Isaiah shouting,  “Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty!” and I knew that I was missing something when I began to think How could the angels do that for eternity? Repeating that over and over? Wouldn’t they get bored? Like...just a little? Recently I have been hearing many teachings and reading myself over Isaiah 6 and the biggest part that has stuck out to me about this verse is that when Isaiah comes into the presence of the Lord he says, “Woe is me!-I am ruined!-I am a man of unclean lips--and my eyes have seen the  King, the Lord Almighty!” See, when Isaiah, an esteemed prophet and ‘relatively holy’ person came into the presence of the Lord his sins were magnified! But the Lord sent an angel to cleanse him and Isaiah was so in awe that God would spare his life that when the Lord asked whom shall He send Isaiah said Here am I! Here am I!

Y’all this passage blew me away. BLEW. ME. AWAY. It has easily become one of my favorite chapters in the Bible because it not only reveals God’s holiness (and mercy) but it sets out the purpose of our life!

We are so CONSUMED with the world around us. Everything. Looks, people, money, success, etc. But the one blinding conclusion that has been poking and prodding in my head is that it DOES. NOT. MATTER. Those things will fall away. Riches will fall away. Beauty will fall away.Earthly success will not be measured. We fill our lives and minds up daily with these things that don’t matter. But what do they  matter? I mean honestly- practically and realistically what DOES matter is God because HE is the only thing that will be here at the end. Why are we putting our trust and time and effort into these fleeting things? When that same energy could be put into the kingdom?

I suppose what I’m trying to say is as a college kid that feels very often like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life- this concept of God’s holiness has put my whole life into perspective. It has humbled me in the sense that the God of the universe has called me by name and cleansed me of my sin despite my unworthiness. The second thing is that it has put purpose and drive into my life. Much like how Isaiah felt after his lips were cleansed with a coal and God spared his life, that enthusiasm and excitement and sheer gratefulness to do ANYTHING that the Lord asked of him that caused him to cry out ‘Here am I Lord! Send me!’  I understand that. I understand (atleast a little bit) how Isaiah must have felt.

God has given me this hunger that can only be satisfied by spending time with him and I have noticed that it has made things of this earth that I was once dazzled by seem like black and white television compared to the high-definition, high resolution, color television-esque joy that I get from God in comparison.

Y’all I look back on old journals, old blog posts, old facebook statuses from even this time last year and I hardly recognize myself. I wish I could fully convey the amount of things I was idolizing. Awards shows, celebrities, fashion, movies, men, approval of people…

It’s true that today I feel like a child. Partly due to this nostalgic weather, but the other part is that I realize I am just a child in the depth of my knowledge about the Lord. And ironically, the more I grow in the Lord the more I realize how little I thought I knew. It took me to this point in my life, and for many things to be stripped out of my life and hands for me to realize that God is enough for me.  

But this time in my life has been beautiful in many ways. Like a child listening to her Father’s stories that she’s heard for years-suddenly they enthrall me. I read stories from the Bible and I GET IT. I feel like so many of the children I’ve ever been around who are looking at a picture book and look back at me to ask for help and affirmation and understanding of what they’re looking at.

Oh guys, I have such a sweet father.

He’s kind to me. He’s gentle when he disciplines me. He knows the plans for my life.

I know there will be many, many times in my life when I do not understand what God is doing in my life or what I am supposed to do-all I know is that I want to be in God’s presence all the time. Learning about him. Talking to him. And like Isaiah was- I just want the Lord to send me! Use me!

Although I never would have told you this growing up, sometimes it’s good to feel like a child. To be excited like a child. Believe like a child. Comforted by our Father like a child.

It’s funny how that realization comes when we’re all grown up, huh?

Love, your child-sized grown up (sort of), Shelby