I miss my bedmate

The other day I read a blog about a sister and it started me thinking about sisters. And ever since then, little things have been popping up in my life to remind me about sisters. The joy of sisters. The comfort of a sister. Different sister relationships. But most of all, it has started me thinking about my sister.

I have one sister. My older sister Lindsay is give or take 8 to 9 years older than me depending on the time of year. And all these things that have been popping up in my life, have not only made me think of my sister, but all the things I love about her. To be honest, the age difference between my sister and I never really created a huge problem. If anything I would have loved to be closer to her age, so I could understand her from a different view. But that's not where God put me.

I grew up watching my sister. I don't think I am being biased when I say that my sister was basically the cookie cutter of big sisters. (But even better.)

When I was a toddler, my sister used to play dress-up with me and my brothers. As I got older, she used to bake with me, play with me, talk with me. I have such vivid memories of Lindsay when she would paint my nails, or do my hair, or my makeup and pick out my outfits. I didn't realize it then, but I realize now how I believe she found the perfect balance of being a good sister. She let me figure things out for myself, but gave me advice when I needed it. She spent time with her friends, but spent just enough time with me. She put herself in my shoes when we had conflicts, and tried to understand me.

I don't have a younger sister, and honestly don't know if I would be able to handle one. I don't have the patience of my sister, or the compassion, or the mentality of an older sibling like she did.

Being the youngest I believe has taught me to observe. (I also think that ability was a key to me wanting and having the vision to be a director.) But, as I was growing up, I observed, I watched everyone. But one person I especially watched was my sister. I had my parents, who I of course always watched. And, I had two brothers to watch. But I only had one sister. One big sister, who was always so big sistery.

I have odd memories of Lindsay that now with her being married, and me being close to leaving home, I cherish more than ever, because now those times really won't ever be the same.

I remember swimming in the pool with Lindsay frequently, with her white t-shirt above her Old Navy paisley swimsuit. Or, spending hours in the bathroom with my sister and cousin Hannah doing our makeup and hair. I remember vividly this particular memory. My siblings and I were driving to the Diablos and Lindsay was in her senior year of high school (which inadvertently was her studded belt, little boy tee phase. HA.) And we were driving, and listening to Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. I can clearly see Lindsay in her Diablos uniform, red polo, khaki pants, blasting the song, and looking back at me saying "Come on Shel. You know it! Sing it!"

I smile just thinking of it..

Then, there are those times that you just need a sister. See, my sister and I shared a bed for most of our growing up years. And as much as that would sometimes cause tension, I still can't count the times that sharing a bed has just been so useful for spending time with your sister. Not just those fun times, but those times you need a sister. I can't count the times that one of us just needed to talk and talk and talk about something, or laugh and joke, or even just...cry. Every body has times that are fun with your sister. But there are those times that I really can't describe that you just need a sister. Sisters fill the whole that mom's cant fill, and friends just don't suffice.

I miss my sister. When Lindsay left for college, I was 10 years old. And although that changed our relationship, it was actually good in a way, because those years when she was gone, and came back, and I was growing up, it helped our relationship to become even more like "friends" than just me being the little sister. But now, as I'm really close to being "all growed up" and she's married and well into her adult life, our relationship is changing even more. I guess the best way I can look at it, is that now our relationship will be even more adult. It's kind of scary to think of myself as being so close to grown up, and soon, I will be the one going to college, graduating, getting married, and having kids. I figure then, I will still need my sister, except by that time, I won't need advice about boys, or what to do about "mom and dad". Rather, I'll start to need help advice for MY wedding, or advice about MY husband, or in a while...MY KIDS.

I miss my sister. Especially those nights when I am all by lonesome in my snuggly but what can seem like my own island of "our" king-sized bed. C'est la Vie. Life moves on. Time doesn't wait up for us, so all I can do is hope and wait for the future with my sister.

"Help one another, it is part of the religion of sisterhood," Louisa May Alcott once said. I can say that this quote is particularly so special to me because that's what my sister always did. She helped me grow. She helped me to think. She helped me to grow into the person I am today. I don't know where I would be without my sister. My comforter. My solace in our crazy family. My big sister. My sissy. My Lindsay. I love her so much. And I can't wait for the memories we are going to make as this new chapter of our lives start.

Although there is so much more I could write about her, I think this is all I can say without breaking into chapters. Just know I love my bedmate, even though she has a new one, and I love him too. ( I do Ryan.)

Love, your lonely bedmate, Shelby

P.S. Just as soon as I can scan them I will add cuter photos of our childhood photos.

I hate this photo below...but hey whatever. This was like 4 years ago.

Really little Shelby

The most recent I could find.

Lindsay's Wedding

Untitled because I can't even think of a good title. (So I would rather have no title than a dumb one.)

Ive noticed a change in myself. First, it was subtle, but as time went on... it has become unmistakable, blatant, consuming. There are funny aspects to this really, but at the same time, there is a darker lining around it.

Most people that know me, would probably describe me as "Talkative, garrulous, boisterous, etc"...I think you get the picture. I love to entertain and I always have. Yet...something has happened.

Now, I have always had my quirks, but gradually over the past year, I have turned my quirks into a full-blown personality.

Not only that, I find myself more isolated, more alone, and less social than I've ever been in my whole life. What's wrong with me?

I sit at home and watch Moonstruck and Kramer vs. Kramer with my Nalgene of sweetened Iced Tea.

I spend a couple hours atleast each week just reading screenplays online.

I bake endlessly without getting dressed.

I have mild OCD. I am always counting by 5's in my head. I use my hands and feet, and it always has to land on my right side. Get it? OH also, I count the sides of letters in words when I read. Especially signs and stuff.

I love Dustin Hoffman, Jeff Bridges, Jeff Goldblum, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Harrison Ford... and a couple others I know I am forgetting.

After seeing True Grit, I became obsessed with Matt Damon. I love him a lot now, and hope one day he will be in my movies, and in a photoshoot with me. Haha.

And including the previous people I above, I read entire biographies about people on IMDB.

I want a sphynx cat so I can name him a creepy name and dress him up. Haha.

The list could go on really. (This is just off the top of my head.) Am I sounding lame yet?

I seriously ask myself everyday, At which point during this past year did I become so unsocial?!

So content to daydream or be in my thoughts? I used to be fun! I used to be entertaining. But now it seems like the only attention I get from anybody now is negative attention or being chastised. I joke that I am an old lady, but truth be told, I really am. I felt like I've lived my life, and now just sit at home. I feel washed up, forgotten, like... basically.. I'm not on anyones priorities.

Let me clarify that I know of course that I have a life to look forward to. (In fact, many or most of my daydreams are about my dreams and career hopefully to come.) But, I feel stuck. Stuck in high school. Stuck in El Paso. Stuck at home.

Sometimes, I think about this and the only comfort I have is my future. My future. I love to sit and daydream about my future. The first is my career, I (obviously) love writing, but I dream of writing and directing! What college will I go to for film? How will I be at directing? What movies will I make? How long will it take? Will I get to to the Oscars? It all dazzles me. I feel, like a kid standing outside of a candy store. I look, and I see, and I want it so bad, and perhaps one day I will, but for now...all I can do is want.

Sums up my thoughts.

The rest of my thoughts are occupied by other things of my future, who will I marry? When will I have kids? How many? Where will I go? Where will I live? When will I die? How?

This is what my brain actually looks like. Its really just the best way I can describe my thought processes. Overwhelming eh?

Im going to be honest here and say that, I dont really know the point I am trying to make. I am ready to leave and start my life. But, for the time being, I feel alone. Not unwelcome, not outcast...but forgotten. Maybe that's why I have just taken to being alone. And not only that, Ive become comfortable with being alone. I feel, feel like Im going insane. And everythings just building up. It's time for me to change, time for something new.

I just need to know that all this stuff in my life like, no friends, fighting etc, was not all my fault. Right? Because sometimes that's how I feel. I just... don't know. God holds a special place in my thoughts and heart because I try to revert everything back to him. Because, sometimes, in my over analytical, over worked brain of mine, HE is the only thing that makes sense. Sometimes, I I just want to travel somewhere, and never look back. Just me and God. That's it, me and him, because he's the only thing that makes me feel better. And like he has promised me over and over, he will never leave me. Never. I am his Beloved. That is the only true comfort I have in the world, really. My family could leave me, my friends could hate me, my career could fail, I may never marry, but I have a place in his kingdom forever. In His Everlasting Arms.

To be honest, I didnt mean for this to sound like a pity party. I didn't mean for this to necessarily make sense, because trust me, I understand the structure of this blog is rather choppy.

But when you read that these were the inner most depths of my rambling soul, you basically became subject to that and all that comes with it. Haha. Honestly, I dont really know how to end this blog. All I can say is that for my sake, talking helps me understand things, so truth be told this blog was most beneficial to me! But also, I needed to get that off my chest, and that was really just thoughts and feelings off the top of my head.

If this did not make sense, I really am sorry.

Love, your crazy old lady, Shelby.