What Shepherds Taught Me

Note: I tried to post a video of a violin instrumental of Silent Night but it was taking too long and I wanted you all to read this. So open a new tab and listen to it while you read!

I love my church. I mean really I do I do. I was thinking tonight in the Christmas Eve Service how beautiful my church is. I heard the resounding of the El Paso Brass Quartet, and the Timpani drum and the choir singing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing and there was a moment just a slight one that I just felt so important. Like, what a weird feeling--important? I think it was because I realized something so very profound. (God has a way of making me realize things while in his house.)

As the choir was heralding and I was standing in my beautiful church I felt important because I felt like a part of something. The most important thing to ever happen in the world- Jesus coming to Earth to be born so that he could sacrifice himself for us. I mean, I'm a Christian, and I'm always doing church-ey stuff and I've heard that message so so so many times, but it kind of dawned on me what it meant.

Sometimes, I do this weird thing when I read history books, or watch movies, I imagine the people in those things walking through the door. I imagine their build and their height and their mannerisms, and when I do that it helps me to really immerse myself in what I'm learning or watching. But tonight, I thought of something like that. I thought of the shepherds. I imagined myself sitting out in the field, I imagined myself laying there and an angel appearing, I imagined myself and my shepherd friends freaking out, I imagined being on the journey, and I imagined being there when they got to Mary and Joseph and Jesus. I imagined them seeing the 3 Kings, and seeing tired Mary and Joseph, I physically tried to make myself imagine what the manger what have looked like and how the shepherds felt when they saw Jesus.

When I imagined this, I think this is what prompted my feelings of being a part of something. I felt like I was there, witnessing Jesus' birth. The savior of the earth being born! Can you imagine? And the best part is that he knows me? When I sing to him he hears me! When I talk to him he listens. But sometimes I feel like when we hear about Jesus coming to earth we don't actually think of him as a HUMAN. I mean what he looked like- how tall he was, his beard, what he looked like as a boy--I mean he was here, physically in the flesh. He felt pain and everything. But the thought of him being born just made me think of how special it is that basically the whole world celebrates the birth of a saviour. Yes yes I know, its become a sellout to modern media blabla, but Christmas is still the one time of the year that many people inadvertently celebrate THE BIRTH of what is our saviour and God, Jesus! It's the one time of the year that the most bitter secularisitic people will sing songs like O Holy Night, I mean they are inadvertenly worshipping GOD! Isn't that cool? I love my God. I love love love him. I would be nothing with out him. I am so disappointing as a person, and he takes me back everyday.

I'm so glad that God made Pope Julius make a day for Christ's birth.

*Sidenote-December 25th-was the pagan holiday Saturnalia but the Pope turned it into a day to celebrate the birth of Christ. And a thought I had that made me love God more was that-isnt that what God is all about, turning something bad and evil into something Good and Wonderful.

But anyways, I'm glad that God made a day for us to celebrate our saviours birth.

I'm glad that people still celebrate it. I'm glad that he sent his son to earth. And I'm glad that he died for me. But that's for a different holiday (Easter).

I'm glad God made Christmas so that we can celebrate his birth like the shepherds did, and give gifts like the Kings did.

I hope one day in Heaven I will get to talk to those at the birth of Jesus.

But I just wanted to leave a Christmas thought. One to remind you that Jesus IS the reason for the season as cliche as that has become. The Word became Flesh and that was called Jesus. He was born in a manger, and that day is what we celebrate. Happy Birthday Jesus.

I love you I love you I love you.

But anyways, Merry Christmas.

And Joyeux Noel to my French Husband wherever you are. I can't wait for our Christmases together in the future.

Alright I'm digressing. I really do wish you a Merry Christmas. One with peace and contentment. And the satisfaction in knowing that Christ the Saviour is Born!

From, Jesus' birthday party guest, Shelby

More than Country Music

I've been on a country kick lately. I love country music, really I do. You can scoff at me, but I love country music because.. it makes me think. It like, makes this feeling inside me that is pseudo mixed with nostalgia and just thoughtfulness. Autumn does the same thing to me, and so mixed with country music, well, I'm just a mess of thoughtful nostalgic thinking.

Mostly, the best way to sum up what I think about most is the future. Whether that be soon or long-term. But, in short the future. That entails guys, my career, well... my.. life.

Whether I ever get to become one or not, I have a director's mind. I constantly am thinking of scenes in my head. Usually, of my own life. My future, what I imagine it will be. Things I want to say, what to be. It's like this never ending scroll of thoughts in my head.

And for a while I have been thinking about something that dawned on me a couple weeks ago.

I am used to being disappointed. A sad, but true statement. I don't accredit this truth to any one. It's just a truth that has come because of life and it's many downfalls.

But as I was thinking about the future, and thinking about past dreams that have been crushed, I realized that the future is different. It's the future, untouched, pure, unclaimed. It's what, I've been subconsciously clinging to. In the future, especially my nearest future that lies just around high school, doesn't have to be disappointing. I don't have to be disappointed. I am not naive, I know life has trials, nothing is free, and life is not easy, but why do we stay unhappy? I realized that I don't have to be unhappy. I don't have to be in a job I don't want to be. I don't have to be in an unhappy marriage. I can HAVE a love story out of a movie. I can fall in love and be young and happy. I can go after my dreams, I can be a director, I can be a doctor if I want.

I realized that my life doesn't have to be like any other people in my life. I don't have to be in debt. I don't have to have bad blood with my family. I don't have to be unhappy. When I have kids, I can raise them how I want to! I can make my life happy. I don't say that with hesitation.

I believe that God wants us to be happy. He knows these desires, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my vision. He knows all these scenes I think about for my future. I believe that God knows all my desires. So I don't say it lightly when I say that I know my life will be happy, because I have committed my heart to God.

Honestly though, I am giddy with excitement thinking about it. The metaphorical light bulb

popped up over my head when I realized this. That is why I love the future so much. It's beautifully pure, untouched. But it's not an empty road, it's filled with exciting things. Life, love, (hurts too, but those help us grow.) and experiences. I look at the people around me, and some are miserable where they are. Cynical, bitter and scowling they grumble about where they are. Some, can't control their situations. But others, all it takes is hard work. Work and you can get where you want. Like I said earlier, nothing is free, and it is true. Nothing is free, and the most successful of people will not tell you that they got where they are because of being lazy. They got where they are with God's grace and work. We were granted the God-given power to make decisions. It's just a matter of what decisions you make.

I am the person that when I watch Oscar speeches, I take seriously when they say to not give up and you can achieve your dreams. I'm inspired, and I believe dreams CAN be reached. Who's to tell me that I can't achieve them? Dreams, are a part of our future. They are ultimately a comfort, a hope. Dreams have many a time, my comfort and hope.

The only negative part to dreaming of the future is that you develop an incredible knack for impatience. But that is when I have learned to trust God, and in due time, it will happen. In the best timing.. His timing.

I can't wait for the future. I'm going to continue to be the visionary that I am. Daydream about my future, and eventually I will get to fall in love, be where I want to be, and have my dreams come true. I'm trusting God. That's all I can do. So, I thank Country Music, for bringing this revelation upon me. I'll forever be a faithful follower of your twangy melodies.

Love, your country music fan, Shelby.

It's a Beautiful Thing

I love weddings. As I was sitting here trying to think what to write, and I just got a picture of a bride and groom, and it made me smile. I was racking my brain with deep, CHARGES to people that I could write, but that was making me depressed and I thought, what do I love? I LOVE weddings.

Its the public declaration of your love. The ceremonial form of saying I Love You, and I want to spend my life with you, and so why don't we invite all of the people involved in our lives and let's celebrate that declaration.

I can not tell you enough how I hate the perverse idea of weddings that the media and film has put on weddings. Its just a time to get drunk, to get some action, for families to fight, to spend money...no, a wedding is SO much more than that.

I have never been married. But, I want to. And so does every other girl on the planet I think. Were wired to want love, to be cherished. I believe why weddings are so important to so many girls is that a wedding is telling EVERYONE, that He chose Me. He loves me.

One of my favorite book and movie of all time is Pride & Prejudice. And, to be honest I can't point to some deep psychological reasons why. It ends beautifully, and is like the ultimate love story. What can I say? I'm a sucker for Mr. Darcy. But what I love most about the book is the pureness of their love. It was not love at first sight, but, their love was a deep, hidden, love that grew over time, and became so strong. It makes me have butterflies just thinking about it. I love when weddings have this feeling that's like the one in Pride & Prejudice. This pure, deep love. That's what I love about weddings.

There are other reasons I love weddings. Being of the female race I am raised to love weddings. Ive talked about me seeing the big picture before, and for that reason, when I see weddings, I take everything in. The ambiance. The colors, the sights, the smells, the feeling, everything, I absorb. I am an artist at heart, and so I delight in colors, and coordinating, patterns and textures. A wedding is a time to not only openly share your love and devotion, but to release your artistic expression. Weddings, in my mind, become an art project that you can use to show your personality, and use art as a means to show off your's and your spouse's personality as a couple. A wedding is a piece of art. It's as different as each individual fingerprint. It can be simple, or extravagant, quiet or loud, plain or detailed, but in every case, a wedding is beautiful. Because a wedding is an art show devoted to love and celebration.

There is an important part of weddings that people often look past, simply because it's right before our eyes. Emotion. The emotions going on in a wedding are complex but..beautiful. And all emotions lead to love. The Bride and Groom are in love, which is why they are getting married. The parents, love their children, and for that reason they are letting them go to begin their lives together. And the guests, the guests love the bride and groom, which, whether they realize it or not, are the reason they take part in celebrating in the joy that these people have chosen each other. Weddings are about, as obvious as it sounds... love!

You know and sometimes, I think we take even the word love for granted. It gets tossed around, but it's an emotion that dominates our lives. It's in us, in our subconscious, and therefore in our movies, media, books, magazines, manipulating our emotions. It's that feeling we get when we watch a romantic movie and the characters have a happy ending, or the terrible feeling we get when two people do not end up together.

The first time I read Gone With the Wind (spoiler alert!) and I found out the ending, it literally depressed me for a week. Granted, not every author or director or actor etc can do that to some one (that depends on how well they do at their profession) but, it ruined my week because, Scarlett did not end up with Rhett. He loved her, and she didn't, and then, when it was too late she finally realized how good he was for her. Their marriage failed and it could have been prevented. Oh, that just shattered me for seriously a good week and a half.

Its like this control, in the back of our minds, that affects us whether we like it or not. Our love monitor is what allows us to feel emotional when watching a movie or reading a book, our love monitor can even develop us as a person. Psychologist after psychologist, has pointed problems in people and choices they make later in life, to the fact that they did not get enough love as a child. LOVE. What an emotion.

Its huge, and vast, and complex. Love is one of the only words used as a synonym for God's name. The Bible says itself, God IS Love. He is Beloved. We are his beloved. God doesn't ever say that he just cares for us, or likes us, no, he LOVES Us. Can you believe the God of the Universe would #1 Love us? And #2 Grant us the ability to even slightly be able to feel and comprehend such an emotion as this? Love is more than just an emotion. Its a whole incomprehensible concept, that is put into the very foundation of our beings. I am in awe of Love.

Love is amazing. I began this blog talking about weddings, because I was thinking about what I love. And one of the things I love is weddings. Everything about them. They are a beautiful expression or art and love combined. But what I love most about them, is the root of them. It's not to show off, or just celebrate, it's a time where you can publically DECLARE your love for one another. Love is the root of these beautiful things called weddings.

Excuse my big picture mind when I say that a wedding is more than just a wedding to me. It's beautiful and joyful. It's a declaration of love. And so now I am declaring my love for love, and thanking God for making the concept love, and allowing us to feel and take from this beautiful emotion called love, and create beautiful things like weddings.

I love God. I love Weddings. I love ... Love.

From, your hopeful future bride, Shelby

P.S. Future husband wherever you are, I hope you can swallow all of this.

I miss my bedmate

The other day I read a blog about a sister and it started me thinking about sisters. And ever since then, little things have been popping up in my life to remind me about sisters. The joy of sisters. The comfort of a sister. Different sister relationships. But most of all, it has started me thinking about my sister.

I have one sister. My older sister Lindsay is give or take 8 to 9 years older than me depending on the time of year. And all these things that have been popping up in my life, have not only made me think of my sister, but all the things I love about her. To be honest, the age difference between my sister and I never really created a huge problem. If anything I would have loved to be closer to her age, so I could understand her from a different view. But that's not where God put me.

I grew up watching my sister. I don't think I am being biased when I say that my sister was basically the cookie cutter of big sisters. (But even better.)

When I was a toddler, my sister used to play dress-up with me and my brothers. As I got older, she used to bake with me, play with me, talk with me. I have such vivid memories of Lindsay when she would paint my nails, or do my hair, or my makeup and pick out my outfits. I didn't realize it then, but I realize now how I believe she found the perfect balance of being a good sister. She let me figure things out for myself, but gave me advice when I needed it. She spent time with her friends, but spent just enough time with me. She put herself in my shoes when we had conflicts, and tried to understand me.

I don't have a younger sister, and honestly don't know if I would be able to handle one. I don't have the patience of my sister, or the compassion, or the mentality of an older sibling like she did.

Being the youngest I believe has taught me to observe. (I also think that ability was a key to me wanting and having the vision to be a director.) But, as I was growing up, I observed, I watched everyone. But one person I especially watched was my sister. I had my parents, who I of course always watched. And, I had two brothers to watch. But I only had one sister. One big sister, who was always so big sistery.

I have odd memories of Lindsay that now with her being married, and me being close to leaving home, I cherish more than ever, because now those times really won't ever be the same.

I remember swimming in the pool with Lindsay frequently, with her white t-shirt above her Old Navy paisley swimsuit. Or, spending hours in the bathroom with my sister and cousin Hannah doing our makeup and hair. I remember vividly this particular memory. My siblings and I were driving to the Diablos and Lindsay was in her senior year of high school (which inadvertently was her studded belt, little boy tee phase. HA.) And we were driving, and listening to Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. I can clearly see Lindsay in her Diablos uniform, red polo, khaki pants, blasting the song, and looking back at me saying "Come on Shel. You know it! Sing it!"

I smile just thinking of it..

Then, there are those times that you just need a sister. See, my sister and I shared a bed for most of our growing up years. And as much as that would sometimes cause tension, I still can't count the times that sharing a bed has just been so useful for spending time with your sister. Not just those fun times, but those times you need a sister. I can't count the times that one of us just needed to talk and talk and talk about something, or laugh and joke, or even just...cry. Every body has times that are fun with your sister. But there are those times that I really can't describe that you just need a sister. Sisters fill the whole that mom's cant fill, and friends just don't suffice.

I miss my sister. When Lindsay left for college, I was 10 years old. And although that changed our relationship, it was actually good in a way, because those years when she was gone, and came back, and I was growing up, it helped our relationship to become even more like "friends" than just me being the little sister. But now, as I'm really close to being "all growed up" and she's married and well into her adult life, our relationship is changing even more. I guess the best way I can look at it, is that now our relationship will be even more adult. It's kind of scary to think of myself as being so close to grown up, and soon, I will be the one going to college, graduating, getting married, and having kids. I figure then, I will still need my sister, except by that time, I won't need advice about boys, or what to do about "mom and dad". Rather, I'll start to need help advice for MY wedding, or advice about MY husband, or in a while...MY KIDS.

I miss my sister. Especially those nights when I am all by lonesome in my snuggly but what can seem like my own island of "our" king-sized bed. C'est la Vie. Life moves on. Time doesn't wait up for us, so all I can do is hope and wait for the future with my sister.

"Help one another, it is part of the religion of sisterhood," Louisa May Alcott once said. I can say that this quote is particularly so special to me because that's what my sister always did. She helped me grow. She helped me to think. She helped me to grow into the person I am today. I don't know where I would be without my sister. My comforter. My solace in our crazy family. My big sister. My sissy. My Lindsay. I love her so much. And I can't wait for the memories we are going to make as this new chapter of our lives start.

Although there is so much more I could write about her, I think this is all I can say without breaking into chapters. Just know I love my bedmate, even though she has a new one, and I love him too. ( I do Ryan.)

Love, your lonely bedmate, Shelby

P.S. Just as soon as I can scan them I will add cuter photos of our childhood photos.

I hate this photo below...but hey whatever. This was like 4 years ago.

Really little Shelby

The most recent I could find.

Lindsay's Wedding

Untitled because I can't even think of a good title. (So I would rather have no title than a dumb one.)

Ive noticed a change in myself. First, it was subtle, but as time went on... it has become unmistakable, blatant, consuming. There are funny aspects to this really, but at the same time, there is a darker lining around it.

Most people that know me, would probably describe me as "Talkative, garrulous, boisterous, etc"...I think you get the picture. I love to entertain and I always have. Yet...something has happened.

Now, I have always had my quirks, but gradually over the past year, I have turned my quirks into a full-blown personality.

Not only that, I find myself more isolated, more alone, and less social than I've ever been in my whole life. What's wrong with me?

I sit at home and watch Moonstruck and Kramer vs. Kramer with my Nalgene of sweetened Iced Tea.

I spend a couple hours atleast each week just reading screenplays online.

I bake endlessly without getting dressed.

I have mild OCD. I am always counting by 5's in my head. I use my hands and feet, and it always has to land on my right side. Get it? OH also, I count the sides of letters in words when I read. Especially signs and stuff.

I love Dustin Hoffman, Jeff Bridges, Jeff Goldblum, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Harrison Ford... and a couple others I know I am forgetting.

After seeing True Grit, I became obsessed with Matt Damon. I love him a lot now, and hope one day he will be in my movies, and in a photoshoot with me. Haha.

And including the previous people I above, I read entire biographies about people on IMDB.

I want a sphynx cat so I can name him a creepy name and dress him up. Haha.

The list could go on really. (This is just off the top of my head.) Am I sounding lame yet?

I seriously ask myself everyday, At which point during this past year did I become so unsocial?!

So content to daydream or be in my thoughts? I used to be fun! I used to be entertaining. But now it seems like the only attention I get from anybody now is negative attention or being chastised. I joke that I am an old lady, but truth be told, I really am. I felt like I've lived my life, and now just sit at home. I feel washed up, forgotten, like... basically.. I'm not on anyones priorities.

Let me clarify that I know of course that I have a life to look forward to. (In fact, many or most of my daydreams are about my dreams and career hopefully to come.) But, I feel stuck. Stuck in high school. Stuck in El Paso. Stuck at home.

Sometimes, I think about this and the only comfort I have is my future. My future. I love to sit and daydream about my future. The first is my career, I (obviously) love writing, but I dream of writing and directing! What college will I go to for film? How will I be at directing? What movies will I make? How long will it take? Will I get to to the Oscars? It all dazzles me. I feel, like a kid standing outside of a candy store. I look, and I see, and I want it so bad, and perhaps one day I will, but for now...all I can do is want.

Sums up my thoughts.

The rest of my thoughts are occupied by other things of my future, who will I marry? When will I have kids? How many? Where will I go? Where will I live? When will I die? How?

This is what my brain actually looks like. Its really just the best way I can describe my thought processes. Overwhelming eh?

Im going to be honest here and say that, I dont really know the point I am trying to make. I am ready to leave and start my life. But, for the time being, I feel alone. Not unwelcome, not outcast...but forgotten. Maybe that's why I have just taken to being alone. And not only that, Ive become comfortable with being alone. I feel, feel like Im going insane. And everythings just building up. It's time for me to change, time for something new.

I just need to know that all this stuff in my life like, no friends, fighting etc, was not all my fault. Right? Because sometimes that's how I feel. I just... don't know. God holds a special place in my thoughts and heart because I try to revert everything back to him. Because, sometimes, in my over analytical, over worked brain of mine, HE is the only thing that makes sense. Sometimes, I I just want to travel somewhere, and never look back. Just me and God. That's it, me and him, because he's the only thing that makes me feel better. And like he has promised me over and over, he will never leave me. Never. I am his Beloved. That is the only true comfort I have in the world, really. My family could leave me, my friends could hate me, my career could fail, I may never marry, but I have a place in his kingdom forever. In His Everlasting Arms.

To be honest, I didnt mean for this to sound like a pity party. I didn't mean for this to necessarily make sense, because trust me, I understand the structure of this blog is rather choppy.

But when you read that these were the inner most depths of my rambling soul, you basically became subject to that and all that comes with it. Haha. Honestly, I dont really know how to end this blog. All I can say is that for my sake, talking helps me understand things, so truth be told this blog was most beneficial to me! But also, I needed to get that off my chest, and that was really just thoughts and feelings off the top of my head.

If this did not make sense, I really am sorry.

Love, your crazy old lady, Shelby.