It's late. I love and hate late nights. I love them because I'm all alone and I hate them because I'm all alone. But, I use them to get a lot of thinking done. Aaaand...sometimes Facebook stalk people, but, I digress.
I have a lot of things on my mind. School is officially out. Finally. But it ended on this weird note. Like, if I had to describe the feelings its like where you feel like your about to burp, but then it just goes away.
Am I losing you? What I'm trying to say is, the year felt unfinished, flawed, cut off, and the grains of sand that represent the days of summer feel like they're already slipping. My screenplay finished. My senior year is here. My best friends are leaving. This year is past. It's done. But oddly, I'm not completely ready for this new year. Not yet. It's waiting at the door, ringing the bell and I'm yelling from across the house "HOLD ON, ONE MOMENT, I'M GETTING READY."
I think I'm really just scared.
I'm really really scared. It's not that I haven't wanted THIS YEAR for a long time, but I feel unprepared.
I'm scared.
What if my dreams don't come true?
What if I don't leave? What if I find no one? What if I settle? What if I become a nobody? What if I never go back to Ukraine? What if I'm all alone this year? What if ____?
I feel so...out of control.
I feel like I have the world at my fingertips and yet I have no control over it.
Physically and emotionally.
I feel all of my artistic expression pent up inside me. I see it. I hear it. I imagine it. I see my future. I see my films, but yet...a part of them loses it's vibrance when the thought creeps into my mind that there's A LOT of people wanting to do what I do. Or... I'm really not that good. I need to create-but with my field of dreams, I worry if no one will care about my creations. Care enough to invest in them. I worry if they will see my vision and embrace it. I just... worry.
I fool myself. In good and bad ways. Mostly bad. I know that of course there is someone for everyone...but sometimes I worry that there's no one for me. Yes, yes, I'm 17 bla bla bla I've heard it... I'm young. I KNOW. But, well... actually that's all I'm going to say about that on a public blog. The story goes much deeper and emotional but that's way too much for this. Anyways, the point is, I worry no one's out there for me, that TRULY is what I need AND what I want. I want someone that is even the things I don't ever ask for out loud. Does that make sense? I want someone that even fit's the things I don't talk about with other people.
I'm disappointed. I'm scared. I feel uneasy. Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Because even talking about my thoughts seem chaotic and uncontrollable. It's overwhelming.
There are so many problems in the world. I have a list of things I need to do. I have a list of things I want to do. I have a list of things I need help with. And I have a list of things I want to do but can't do on my own. I have a list of people to pray for. I have a list of things to pray for. I have a list of what I want to write about. I have a list of what I want in a man. I have a list of just things I need. I even have a list of just things I need to remember. Good thing I have Siri to help me with those things. Not really, she kind of sucks when it comes to anything other than setting an alarm.
I worry. I hate letting people down and so I worry about that too. Being an entertainer means being a people pleaser, and that causes me insurmountable amounts of stress. I must say, that lately that HAS subsided since the excessive amount of time spent in school caused me to think thoughts like "I just feel like giving them all the bird and walking out the FRONT DOORS. Ain't no one gonna lay a hand on me."
I got REALLLLLLYYYY lazy the past couple of weeks. But laziness, procrastination, and people pleasing are a terrible combination that combust into a careless, heap of low self worth and stress.
I joke, but in all honesty. I love to make people happy. So, on top of the things I do for myself- I worry about the things I must do for other people. I hate to disappoint.
This blog doesn't really have a point. I guess it's just me processing.
I don't even know what my summer in Brazil holds. I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm just going to step off the plane into the Rio airport and THEN it will hit me that I'm there. For some reason though, it is refreshing to have no sense of expectations and not have to worry. God has a plan-that's why I'm in missions, and i'm just going to follow and trust it'll all be okay.
I don't really know anything anymore. God, hope and dreams are the only things I feel like I have firmly planted beneath me. People are leaving me. Life is changing, everyone is moving on and I'm stuck in this weird gray purgatory area of transition.
To quote my mom, who I believe quoted my Nana, "Lord, save us all!"
That's exactly how I feel. Lord...save us all?
There's a lot of problems in the world, me included and lying on the cold flagstone in my kitchen only makes me feel better for a short amount of time. I don't even know what to do anymore. I have a list of things and I don't know where to start.
So Lord, save us all. Seriously.
Happy First Day of Summer right?
Love, your frazzled night owl, Shelby
