Loneliness kind of sucks.
I mean like I've felt lonely before. But I've never actually been alone. I mean technically, my parents are still here, but honestly, I've never felt more alone.
When I got back from Brazil, (which I will write about I swear, because there's so many wonderful things to say I have to write about it), but anyways, I felt this weird anticipation. I mean I felt the normal, 'I miss being around 21 people constantly' and 'I miss my best friends', 'I miss Brazil' and 'I miss travel' yadayada business, but I felt like I was waiting for something when I got back.
I sort of realized that it was my friends. And in my friends I include my brothers. But, I realized that mostly it was my friends I was missing.
Regret kind of flooded my thoughts as I lye on my bed one night watching IMDB trailer after IMDB trailer, a few days after I got back. I felt it when I walked into Reagan's room and a new comforter was on his bed and his drawers, once full of "Urban Outfitters" t-shirts were now empty. The hollow sound of the drawers echoed the hollowness of my heart. I regretted not spending more time with him before I left for Brazil. In my own whirlwind of preparation I completely forgot I was not going to see my best friend for a whole 6 months. I completely forgot that life was forever changing for our family and that Reagan, my best friend and confidante was growing up.
I suppose Reagan made up a huge part of my life. Way more than I realized now that he's gone. Even when he was lounging on his ipad, looking up (useless) things to buy I still appreciated his presence. It's like..at least it was waiting there for me. At least I was not alone. I mean, I really do miss Reagan for Reagan. Laughing at Spongebob, or watching Greys, or basically being the person who we tell everything to. Him being the one to laugh at my jokes, and always has been the person to do that. Being the other part of "the babies or the little kids" that my family still refers to us as. I mean I really do miss Reagan-even when he let the water run while he was brushing his teeth. But I guess I never realized how great it was to have a person there to talk to.
I mean I really love to talk. I really needed that. And your parents, are your parents and sometimes they don't have time to talk the way you want to talk. And that's where siblings/friends come in. So when I came back from Brazil and Reagan wasn't there... It really hammered the first nail into my loneliness.
Then, me being the person that I am, has best friends that graduated and now are all gone and off to college starting a new chapter in their lives. Second blow into loneliness.
Then, El Paso, the fact that there's so little to do in this town makes going out monotonous. Monotony is boring, and boring just makes it easier to stay inside the house, which only sometimes makes me feel lonelier. Moseying around the house going from phone to reading to watching tv to talking to parents to looking in refrigerator multiple times to sometimes baking, or facetiming Hugo, or sometimes writing, or getting frustrated at writers block to ultimately, doing my most common activity nowadays, napping.
People keep asking me if I'm ready for school. Usually I tell them no. Ha! But honestly, I'm not ready for school in the sense that school can sometimes escalate loneliness. My best friends are gone from school. My brother is no longer there. And I just feel, unprepared. I'm ready for school in the sense that it will keep me occupied. (But my lazy alter ego usually shuts that thought up.)
I'm not saying I don't have friends. I do. It's just that sometimes they're not as accessible as I would like them to be. Or transportation is an issue. Or parents or school or work or whatever.
The value of friendship is just really hitting me hard in this season of my life. And it's coming at a time with a lot of other changes, and crossroads, and detours, decisions, endings and beginnings in my life and family's lives.
I really hope this doesn't just sound like I'm complaining. But hey, I don't have anyone to vent to anymore right?
Maybe if someone reads this they'll take me out and we can talk! :)
I have a feeling I'll be on this a lot more. I gotta tell you, the good part about being lonely is it leaves you with a lot of time to yourself and your thoughts. And lots of thinking leads to inspiration eventually. And inspiration usually leads to good stories. So, many more screenwriting ideas have blossomed from this time of solitude and disconsolation. I need to write more anyways. It's a good way to relieve my creative juices.
I was serious about the someone taking me out thing before though.
Until next time when I share about the wonderful Brasil... Saudades.
Love, your newfound 'recluse' Shelby
Love you weenie javelina legs!
