Being Shepherded as a Weary Lamb (while procrastinating for a test.)

Isn't it ironic in life how when we're supposed to be getting work done is when we least feel like it?

Right now I should be reading a book about Puritans, but I'm not and despite the fact of me writing this, the most enticing thought right now is actually a nap. The apartment is quiet, it's overcast outside, and I feel like my whole body is like the physical manifestation of having dark circles under your eyes. Tired.

So tired.

Today, maybe it was the physical aspect of being tired that pushed me into just overload. But this fatigue goes far beyond my physical body and goes far beyond even today. This weariness has reached to a spiritual level and no amount of sleep can satisfy it.

Last night after returning from a super bowl party, and hyped up on some midnight triple shot Starbucks (I think I have a problem with impulsively drinking coffee-but I digress)- I found myself alone in the apartment. This is not a new sensation for me as I have previously mentioned, and I was a little bit excited because I thought that I would use this caffeinated energy to spend some time with the Lord.

After trying to press and press into the Lord's presence waiting for me to 'encounter' Him.
 I began just praying and found myself on the floor of my apartment sobbing and crying out to the Lord and this phrase bubbled up inside me that I just couldn't stop repeating.

"I just want you to be proud of me Lord! I want to make you proud Abba! I want to make you proud!" 

Where did this come from? Moments before I had still been on my knees in prayer, yes, but this feeling, this outcry just sort of came out.
However, as the words were coming out of my mouth, the truth that rang with it seemed to make me crumple on the ground even more.

Lately, the Lord has been teaching me about physically acting on the heart he has given me. And it has been really rough. I guess a more colloquial way of saying it is the Lord has been guiding me into not just' talking the talk' but walking the walk.

My heart is to be like Jesus. That's it.
I want to tell people about the Lord's great love. I want to be bold and sensitive to the spirit and in my daily life I want to bring the Holy Spirit with me and like the disciples in Acts I want to see New Testament miracles happen in our modern age. I want to just overflow with love that strangers even feel the love of God radiating off me. I want to be used by God. I want to bring GLORY.

I want it to be easy. I want talking to people to be easy. I wish that the logistics of talking to people about Jesus was as easy to do as it is to just say nothing and sit silently at the bus stop.

I have been so transformed by this love of Jesus. How do I tell people that? How? I want so badly people to know the peace I have found. I don't want people to perish. I want them to know the joy of salvation and eternity. I want them to know! I want them to feel! I want them to be a part of my family.

But sometimes I get overwhelmed. Because for example as I'm walking through campus I think-look at all these people. Every one of these people could not know the truth and I do! How selfish am I to keep this to myself? 

Sometimes I have talked to people around me and there has been little fruit (to my knowledge), and other times I have known I was supposed to talk to someone and didn't.

There are many things that stop us from telling people about Jesus. It seems silly to know something so sincerely like the love of Jesus and yet find it so hard to share with those around us. Especially when we know the rewards of following Christ.

 But for me, it is fear of man that cripples me. Probably it is insecurity that is rooted in that. I definitely am trying to work through that obstacle in my spiritual life. But that is what stops me.
What will they think of me? What if they get angry? What if I can't give them an answer? 

So begins a cycle of me spending glorious time with Jesus-absorbing his word and spirit and then itching to share with people and trying to fight against my flesh to be bold, and worrying what people will think, sometimes obeying God and sometimes not, and then feeling the anvil of guilt fall upon my shoulders as I cycle through the feeling of thinking I disappointed God.

I was tired. I am tired. I feel so weary of the whole process. My poor flesh is just not enough to keep up.

But as I was talking to a friend the other day who had recently returned from a missions trip abroad-she made a good point and that is that God doesn't need us. He can bring people to know him without any of our help and it is a privilege that he uses us.

I will say that in no way does that let us off the hook of sharing the gospel. God calls us to go out-and make disciples however something that has been hard for me to realize as someone  who is hungry for people to know Jesus is that it is not my job to retrieve the sheep. The Lord is the greatest shepherd and he is the one who gently uses his staff to retrieve us around our woolly sheep necks and ultimately calls us close to him.

This subject is something that I'm writing about while being in the thick of it. I am surely not at the end of my journey of learning how to be like Jesus in this area of evangelism and preach like the disciples and use the new spirit-the same spirit Jesus had in him in my day to day life.

But I do know that God sustains me. I could preach to every one I meet for the rest of my life and its pretty much a guarantee that many of them will brush me off. That many of them will hate me like they hated Jesus. And many of them will reach the end of their life still filled with unsatisfaction.

If you're ready to swallow this pill of conviction about our fear of man the other day I was reading in Acts and in Acts 5:41 it says that  "They departed from the council, rejoicing that they were worthy enough to suffer shame for His name." 

Woh. Let's go over that real quick.

The apostles were REJOICING that they were even worthy enough to SUFFER (shame) for in the name of Jesus. See, the Lord is good and gracious and cares for our fragile hearts so He does indeed care how we feel, but I should be so HUMBLED by the Lord and what he did on the Cross, that I should rejoice to suffer for Jesus' name.

I think what we as Christians but ultimately as humans get caught up in is ourselves; but really- it is not about us. It. is. not. about. us. Plain and simple.

When we put on the name of Christ, our purpose in life is to serve God and follow his commandments and bring him glory. Not bring ourselves glory. My purpose in 'preaching' is not to give myself a name but to glorify Jesus' name.

The joy and assurance of our salvation as well as the promises found in the Word should be where we build our foundation and confidence on. And as for our daily sustenance we are given that by spending time with our 'Abba Father' daily and embracing the spirit of God that has been bestowed upon us as 'sons of God' (Romans 8).

Surely, surely I can promise you that as soon as my finger releases the cursor to publish this blog I will find myself with my foot in my mouth about what I am writing here.

But you know what? The Lord is gracious. And despite my inevitable disobedience that I'm sure will happen throughout my years I will continue to try my best in hearing God's voice and being the best vessel I can be for his spirit to work in this broken world.

Days like today I am tired. I feel drained physically and spiritually but the Lord sustains me, he is teaching me everyday, gently correcting me as he holds my face between his hands and lets me know when I have done wrong, and when I stray he comes and finds me and picks me up and puts me around his shoulders and carries me close to him.

I will never stop being taught by the Lord. And I hope this never stops. As I grow closer to the Lord I find myself wanting less and less of myself and more of more of him. And I hope that as I grow old I am not someone who is known for my own name, but known for bringing glory to Jesus' name.

I am tired yes, but that is because it is 2:30 in the morning. However as I pull my covers back and get into bed I can tell you that I have never felt more rested or renewed than I do now in this wee morning hour after spending time with my Abba, my Shepherd, my Comfort.

Love, your little roaming lamb, Shelby