Untitled because I can't even think of a good title. (So I would rather have no title than a dumb one.)

Ive noticed a change in myself. First, it was subtle, but as time went on... it has become unmistakable, blatant, consuming. There are funny aspects to this really, but at the same time, there is a darker lining around it.

Most people that know me, would probably describe me as "Talkative, garrulous, boisterous, etc"...I think you get the picture. I love to entertain and I always have. Yet...something has happened.

Now, I have always had my quirks, but gradually over the past year, I have turned my quirks into a full-blown personality.

Not only that, I find myself more isolated, more alone, and less social than I've ever been in my whole life. What's wrong with me?

I sit at home and watch Moonstruck and Kramer vs. Kramer with my Nalgene of sweetened Iced Tea.

I spend a couple hours atleast each week just reading screenplays online.

I bake endlessly without getting dressed.

I have mild OCD. I am always counting by 5's in my head. I use my hands and feet, and it always has to land on my right side. Get it? OH also, I count the sides of letters in words when I read. Especially signs and stuff.

I love Dustin Hoffman, Jeff Bridges, Jeff Goldblum, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Harrison Ford... and a couple others I know I am forgetting.

After seeing True Grit, I became obsessed with Matt Damon. I love him a lot now, and hope one day he will be in my movies, and in a photoshoot with me. Haha.

And including the previous people I above, I read entire biographies about people on IMDB.

I want a sphynx cat so I can name him a creepy name and dress him up. Haha.

The list could go on really. (This is just off the top of my head.) Am I sounding lame yet?

I seriously ask myself everyday, At which point during this past year did I become so unsocial?!

So content to daydream or be in my thoughts? I used to be fun! I used to be entertaining. But now it seems like the only attention I get from anybody now is negative attention or being chastised. I joke that I am an old lady, but truth be told, I really am. I felt like I've lived my life, and now just sit at home. I feel washed up, forgotten, like... basically.. I'm not on anyones priorities.

Let me clarify that I know of course that I have a life to look forward to. (In fact, many or most of my daydreams are about my dreams and career hopefully to come.) But, I feel stuck. Stuck in high school. Stuck in El Paso. Stuck at home.

Sometimes, I think about this and the only comfort I have is my future. My future. I love to sit and daydream about my future. The first is my career, I (obviously) love writing, but I dream of writing and directing! What college will I go to for film? How will I be at directing? What movies will I make? How long will it take? Will I get to to the Oscars? It all dazzles me. I feel, like a kid standing outside of a candy store. I look, and I see, and I want it so bad, and perhaps one day I will, but for now...all I can do is want.

Sums up my thoughts.

The rest of my thoughts are occupied by other things of my future, who will I marry? When will I have kids? How many? Where will I go? Where will I live? When will I die? How?

This is what my brain actually looks like. Its really just the best way I can describe my thought processes. Overwhelming eh?

Im going to be honest here and say that, I dont really know the point I am trying to make. I am ready to leave and start my life. But, for the time being, I feel alone. Not unwelcome, not outcast...but forgotten. Maybe that's why I have just taken to being alone. And not only that, Ive become comfortable with being alone. I feel, feel like Im going insane. And everythings just building up. It's time for me to change, time for something new.

I just need to know that all this stuff in my life like, no friends, fighting etc, was not all my fault. Right? Because sometimes that's how I feel. I just... don't know. God holds a special place in my thoughts and heart because I try to revert everything back to him. Because, sometimes, in my over analytical, over worked brain of mine, HE is the only thing that makes sense. Sometimes, I I just want to travel somewhere, and never look back. Just me and God. That's it, me and him, because he's the only thing that makes me feel better. And like he has promised me over and over, he will never leave me. Never. I am his Beloved. That is the only true comfort I have in the world, really. My family could leave me, my friends could hate me, my career could fail, I may never marry, but I have a place in his kingdom forever. In His Everlasting Arms.

To be honest, I didnt mean for this to sound like a pity party. I didn't mean for this to necessarily make sense, because trust me, I understand the structure of this blog is rather choppy.

But when you read that these were the inner most depths of my rambling soul, you basically became subject to that and all that comes with it. Haha. Honestly, I dont really know how to end this blog. All I can say is that for my sake, talking helps me understand things, so truth be told this blog was most beneficial to me! But also, I needed to get that off my chest, and that was really just thoughts and feelings off the top of my head.

If this did not make sense, I really am sorry.

Love, your crazy old lady, Shelby.