Rain and Robert Frost

I knew this was coming.

I did. I knew that this change, this inevitable change of growing up and moving on would be here. But what I really did not expect is the change in my heart to appear with the physical changes of my surroundings.

There's something about the rain that brings out people's inner emotions, almost like its washing away the facade of emotions and ideas we cake over ourselves. As I write this, you can probably guess that it's raining outside, and I feel like I have to write out my heart for myself to even understand it.

Change is unsettling. Especially change within ourselves.

For me, the most unsettling change in myself is my loss of inspiration. These nights, these kind of late, quiet, (especially rainy) all to myself nights I used to relish because these were the nights that my creative wheel would spin and I was full of stories and characters, emotions and dreams. And now the inspiration seems like an old friend, or a fond memory. Someone who was in my life and we used to have really great times together, and even had a future planned together but we just kind of..drifted apart.

If I could write Inspiration a letter I would ask it to come visit, but, but, I feel like Inspiration's mad at me. That feeling that once ignited me, that feeling that was able to just feel emotion and write and create and dream up stories, is gone.

I suppose I feel like a young child who has just realized the puppet show they have been watching-that the puppets are just peoples hands of normal people moving inside of a cartoon made of cloth,and not the wonderful entertainment I once thought it was.

It's like the wander has gone out of my life.

The wander that I used to look upon people's lives and stories and the world around me is gone. It's been muddled with the reality of my future, and my career, and bills, and.. decisions...

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's motto is Ars Gratia Artis which roughly translates to Art for Art's Sake.

I used to...understand that. I used to love that motto because I understand that Art helps make life beautiful. Art helps us outwardly express and understand what is going on within our lives.

I was born feeling like an artist and I knew that simply because I knew that I understood what art meant to the world. I understood why we have so many versions of art and entertainment. Why art? It's to help us understand what we feel, or sometimes to help us feel things we didn't think we could feel. Art whether that be painting, sculpting, writing, acting, dancing or film, tells some sort of story that takes us out of our reality and into another.

Art shouldn't have to justify itself. But it does serve a purpose, but for those that are skeptical, we say
why not? Art for Art's Sake.

This summer I went to India. And I love India, from the bottom of my heart. I truly, truly do know that I want to live there and have a life there, and be a part of the surrogate Indian family I had the privilege of being a part of while I was there.

And while in India, I started to not think about being in Hollywood. (What I'm getting at people is the decision to give up a film career or not..) But I just felt so happy, so content to be in India. I loved where I was and who I was with and when I would think about starting a career to end up in Hollywood just seemed so fleeting. It still does, when I talk about it. To think about the shallowness and fleeting 'treasures' of the glamorous lifestyle Hollywood is associated with. While in India, I started to be okay with the idea of not being famous.

But I think what was happening is that India, is so extra sensory. It is constantly filled with smells, and colors, and sights, and sounds that you don't have time to be inspired because you're so consumed with this effervescent culture.

Yet, as I've been home I still think that the treasures of  Hollywood are fleeting and shallow, but the feeling that I associated with being inspired, and making movies and telling stories, the feelings I associated with what would be my film career feel lost and... I miss them.

So basically I'm just conflicted. I know the emotions and the way I felt in India were real, I know that if I became a doctor and did medical missions that I would be happy once I'm back in India..
but at the same time, I don't know what to do with my old friend Inspiration..

That inspiration feeling is what drove my creativity, that inspiration feeling is what drove me to tell stories and to want to make movies and to be an artist for art's sake.

Why do I feel like I must choose one or the other? I cannot just ignore the aching right side of my brain and turn off my need to create and entertain the rest of my life, but at the same time my only future for those feelings had always been to end up in Hollywood and I don't know if that is a place that I could thrive spiritually and be 100% sure I was doing the work and living the life God wanted me to live.

I've been reading a lot of Robert Frost lately and I really love him a lot. He's one of few writers that makes me truly like poetry, and he's also a writer/poet that can from line to line transport you to wherever he wants to take you, put you directly in the setting and make you feel what he wants you to feel. So naturally, in my current pickle I relate to "The Road Not Taken" I see my two roads, and the yellow wood is clearly my future but unlike Mr. Frost I don't know which one to take. I wish to take the road less traveled but the road as to which is 'less traveled' is not so clear yet.

So for now, I take these things day by day, and see which emotions are fleeting and impulsive and which ones stay, because those are the ones that matter. But tonight, it's grieving. I miss my Inspiration, I miss my stories. I miss the way 'creating' a story felt.

I don't know if I will follow in Mr. Frost's path and take the road less traveled, to be honest I really just want to be on the path that God wants me to be on.

All I know is change is scary. Rain is comforting. And Writing is cathartic.

Til the next thunderstorm-when the rain can wash away and reveal more from my heart.

Your, 'one traveler', Shelby

Morning Comes in Light

I find it ironic that I'm writing this late at night. But night time is when I find myself with most free expression so I just deal.

Anyways, what is ironic is that this blog is about morning. Sweet morning. I'm not always some chipper song bird in the morning, but I don't understand people who hate the morning. I don't understand how someone can hate something so beautiful.

Morning is beautiful.

Night time, I love night time, its the time of the mysterious, the time of the thinkers, and the time of the regretful.  But the morning, I just cannot ignore it, oh the morning is just... beautiful.

Even the very idea of the morning is beautiful. God gave us light. He gave us the day time. The earth was completely dark but God gave us the day. He gave us the sun to warm our bodies, and light for us to see.
Isn't that amazing? As the saying goes that every day is a gift, truly, every day is a gift to us from God.

The concept of morning is what brings tears to the brim of my eyes. Every day I am amazed at God's omniscience in my life, in the world. God thought about every detail, and although it seems like such a broad concept, I believe he created the morning to correlate with what would one day be salvation.

The concept of morning is new-ness. Renewing. When the sun rises it is the blanket to put the night to rest and bring a new chance every day. Don't you see? Morning is the very essence of God's redemption. Night time often brings mistakes, the shadows of the dim moon are often filled with sins, with regrets, but morning is new. No day is the same as the day before. Every day is a new day. A fresh day that has never happened. Think about it, no date in history has ever or will ever be repeated.

When God gave us light, when God gave us time, when God gave us night and day, I believe he saw ahead in the future and saw our sins, he saw what had to happen, the redemption that was going to be needed, and I believe he gave us mornings as gentle reminders of his love and redemption.

Rainbows are relatively rare and coveted for the most beautiful and many people know that rainbows are a reminder from God about his love for us, but lately God has been showing me his consistent reminder of his love with mornings.

When I think about the morning my heart wells up... I mean when you really think about it..

Mornings stand for hope. New beginnings. Second chances.

Mornings stand for comfort. When nightmares terrorize our slumbers, the first sliver of morning light has relaxed us all. And we can finally sleep with the promise of day time coming. (At least that is how I have always been.)

Morning is fresh. Dew is on the grass and plants, and the sun is beginning to warm what the night made cold.

I have always felt like God loves mornings just as much as I do. Not that night time is the best, but often we are tired or upset, or processing our day. But mornings I have always felt like are special to the Lord. I imagine him sitting at the kitchen table, with the sun warming him, and just talking to me. You know? I know God is there any time, but in the mornings, in the quiet, in the still, in the freshness of the day is my favorite time to talk to God. And for me, the best time to listen as well. The world is silent but not eerie, and anticipation of the day is in the sunrise, and God, is there, in the sunrise, in the dew, in the morning coffee, waiting to sit and talk before any of the real troubles of the day start.

I once heard a speaker say that before he got up each morning. Before he got out of bed, as his mind was waking up he just rested with God. He said that although he was awake (technically) it was the most peaceful rest he had ever gotten. Before he even truly opens his eyes, he simply rested in God's presence and talked to him before his feet even hit the floor.

Isn't that lovely? To rest with God.

See that's what the morning is meant for. The morning is not meant for strife, but the morning is meant to rest, to prepare for the coming day and all the heaviness of the troubled world that the rest of the day will bring as the earth continues to turn into night.

Scarlett O'Hara truly did change my life with her philosophy on life-After all tomorrow IS another day.

See, God thought about mornings. He thought about the mistakes we would make. And he created mornings so we are reminded of another day, of our second chances that he gives us.

So savor that sunrise, rest in God's presence, take a breath and thank the Morning Star that he is forgiving and redeeming. Thank him for mornings, and for coffee and  tea, and thank him for each day that he gives us to enjoy the beautiful gift of morning.

Love, your new found early bird, Shelby

(El Paso Sunrise, I felt it appropriate to put a sunrise I actually am familiar with instead of some cheesy one.)

 (OK..I know ...it's still cheesy but in the words of Forrest Gump about desert sunrises:

 "I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and earth began." :)

Even the Darkest Night Will End and the Sun Will Rise (And no this is not a Les Miserables blog.)

What is it about death? 

Even uttering the name feels like a whisper, a secret traveling along the corridors of an old mansion. 

It is something we all recognize, and encounter, yet it is so unfamiliar to us. 

Death makes us feel vulnerable, insecure. It lurks with an all knowing presence, stripping us of our dignity of knowledge. Death is...scary. It looms over us. Sometimes we are aware of its presence, and other times it chooses to take those without a warning. One breath we are here on earth, our souls warm and conscious in our living bodies, and the next we are gone. A shell. Our souls traveling to our eternities. 

How is it that we can be so familiar with something yet know so little about it? Death is the one thing in our lives that is so common, yet it is still a tragedy. 

I think what bothers us the most about death is the finality of it. A goodbye is hardest when you know that you will never get to say hello or goodbye again. But what about those deaths that are sudden? 

Those stories are ended abruptly. It reminds me of the Sopranos cliffhanger episodes where they would end mid sentence and just go black. Except this time, there is no new episode next week. Or next year. The people are not leaving on a long visit. They are not necessarily even fatally sick (although that can be worse), but they are gone. Those deaths can be the hardest I believe. The ones that we have to cope with that 'they' are simply not coming back. 

Death has been especially common it seems lately. People always seem to go around the holidays. I think it has something to do with family usually, and being together, or lack there of. But nonetheless, the world in this month of December has seemed especially sad. First, the Newtown tragedy happened and in the same 24 hour span, one of my assistant principals passed away suddenly. What seemed more ominous was that I had seen him at a restaurant that night, and even taken a picture of him. His death especially stuck with me. I was not particularly close to him but I had seen  him and talked to him hours before he died. There was nothing I really could have done if I had been able to go back in time really, but I still think about him often. 

His death has made me wonder ABOUT death. What happens? Why we are chosen to die when we die etc? But more so about how we interact with people. How we interact with each other. I technically was close to one of his last interactions outside of his family and friends that were with him. And this was not the first time that I have had an out of the blue experience or out of the ordinary interaction with someone before they died or something happened to them. It has happened to me a couple times. This last time though has really made me aware of how I treat people. Of my general outlook on life. 

Our day is filled with constant interactions with people. Greetings, apologies, directions, fights, exclamations, love etc. And often, those interactions are muffled by our own selfishness, our own wills and our own bullheadedness to be right or get what we want. But what death has shown me recently is that those interactions could be that person's last. Even if their  74, 25, or just a mere 6 years old going to school for the day. 

Those interactions MATTER. Those things we think are mundane matters. Our words matter, our actions matter. Every little thing, chance or planned, whatever-has meaning. It has significance and purpose and is a checkpoint on our journeys into reality and mistakes. 

It sounds so cheesy to say this, but after this wave in death Ive seen recently-I find myself consciously thinking of the little things as much as I can. I don't go to bed angry, I forgive easier, I make sure to say goodbye, I make sure to tell those that I love-I love them-every chance I get- I don't let things bother me as much, or ruin my day, and I find myself soaking in my surroundings and experiences wherever I am. 

It seems silly. But these things could be our last words, or someone elses last words or memory. 

Death is final. It gives no second chances. That's why it's important to give those while we are living. 

Death is unexpected. It is often inconvenient, or spiteful. But death will come to all of us. But while we still have the chance to make our time on earth matters it's important to do so.

I guess December is always a sorrowful month. The real deaths in my life have always been in December. 

Luckily the Saviour was BORN in December. But regardless, tragedy never seems to be merciful during the woeful 31 days of the end of the year. Maybe it is an odd coincidence. But a phenomena nonetheless, that what is supposed to be such a joyous time of rejoicing and celebrating the holidays, is too often cut short by death. 

It's almost the end of December. Which means a new year, with new surprises, new celebrations and new tragedy. I just hope that this new year holds more joy than death. And if death decides to rear it's ugly head, we have no regrets with the people we love. 

Be honest. Be happy. Forgive, forget, and look forward to the future however long we may have. 

Love, your night owl, Shelby

Folly, The Election, and a Soapbox

My stomach dropped. It did. As I heard my mom exclaim in the other room, I knew. Obama won. This is not NECESSARILY a political post, honestly. Was I disappointed? Yes, but it mostly just made me think. My mind is still reeling at the millions and millions of posts about the election. Hearing what people have to say... kills me.

Division. DIVISION. DIVVVIISSSIIOON.

It literally makes me nauseous, the avid, slit your throat division going on in the country. If I can get on my soapbox for a moment I would like to say that what makes it worse is most Americans are uninformed, band-wagoners, and that goes for both sides, they have no idea what this country's structure is, much less political agenda, policy, and what that means. To go a little further, most have little respect for the other. Granted, it is hard to stay unbiased when issues affect you personally, however most Americans don't care to research, they just swallow the carefully doctored food the media feeds and takes it to argue menially. Really, Republicans and Democrats a like don't care to look up facts. Honestly, when the evidence is right there in front of them. Case in point, in 4 years the debt has increased to 16 trillion. When it 8 years in Bush terms it only increased by 4 trillion.That is something no one can argue with, it's plain truth and honestly, I hate conflict, but no political, religious or social beliefs can argue with money and how America is with no question in debt up to their eyeballs that keeps growing.

But I don't want this to be a political post. Not necessarily. It just scares me how little people care to actually research issues. Real research, not just news sites. But actual research of WHAT you believe and WHY. That is becoming my biggest issue. There is so much conflict, when I think about it, its like  hearing fingernails scratch across a chalkboard, but the problem I'm seeing is a nation divided and most don't know WHY.
They don't know why they believe what they believe, they don't know why they support the candidate they support, and they don't fully know their beliefs.

The moral compass has significantly decreased in society. America is more evident simply because we live 'first world lives' with even the poorest people usually having a television and a cellphone. However, the jokes we make, the things we talk about, the trash we fill our lives with, is showing how little reverence we have for anything. I'm not saying that we should have a Puritan status quo or anything, but have some ethical standards. SERIOUSLY. It's a lack of respect. I love that we have free speech. Other countries have had people murdered for speaking their mind, but its a lack of emptiness in our speech. Its a lack of substance in our actions. We speak and we do not know why we are saying these things. I guarantee atleast 50% of voters on both sides had no idea why they were voting for their candidate. (Speaking from a purely biased point of view, many Obama fans have no idea what they were talking about, if you don't believe me look on Twitter. But back to being fair.)

Anyways, as a Christian, my job is to trust God. I get caught up in the political hub-bub and people can argue, and name call, and slit throats, but ultimately it is God's plan. I remind myself that God loves everybody the same. He loves me, just as much as he loves a satan worshipping serial killer.
Personally, I don't want to live in a world without God. How hopeless is that? To have nothing to look forward to or lean on after living in this grief-stricken, poverty filled, conflict ridden world.
God put Obama in place. I'm not happy. But I cannot continue praying for someone, and continue hating them.

That does not mean we can stay stationary and wait for God to come back. We still can take part in our country. We can get informed, and really know why we believe the things we believe before we ignorantly absorb everything a celebrity tells us on Twitter (sometimes they get paid, guys).

Look at the facts, preferably from an unbiased source. And make your decision. And ask yourself, why do you believe what you believe? And why are you proclaiming it?

Just a thought.

I know the things I believe. I know my perspective on the issues. But it's in God's hands. C'est La Vie.

Love, your wearisome citizen, Shelby

Hollow Drawers

*Insert my depression song, Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens-then Read*

Loneliness kind of sucks.

I mean like I've felt lonely before. But I've never actually been alone. I mean technically, my parents are still here, but honestly, I've never felt more alone.

When I got back from Brazil, (which I will write about I swear, because there's so many wonderful things to say I have to write about it), but anyways, I felt this weird anticipation. I mean I felt the normal, 'I miss being around 21 people constantly' and 'I miss my best friends', 'I miss Brazil' and 'I miss travel' yadayada business, but I felt like I was waiting for something when I got back.

I sort of realized that it was my friends. And in my friends I include my brothers. But, I realized that mostly it was my friends I was missing.

Regret kind of flooded my thoughts as I lye on my bed one night watching IMDB trailer after IMDB trailer, a few days after I got back. I felt it when I walked into Reagan's room and a new comforter was on his bed and his drawers, once full of "Urban Outfitters" t-shirts were now empty. The hollow sound of the drawers echoed the hollowness of my heart. I regretted not spending more time with him before I left for Brazil. In my own whirlwind of preparation I completely forgot I was not going to see my best friend for a whole 6 months. I completely forgot that life was forever changing for our family and that Reagan, my best friend and confidante was growing up.

I suppose Reagan made up a huge part of my life. Way more than I realized now that he's gone. Even when he was lounging on his ipad, looking up (useless) things to buy I still appreciated his presence. It's like..at least it was waiting there for me. At least I was not alone. I mean, I really do miss Reagan for Reagan. Laughing at Spongebob, or watching Greys, or basically being the person who we tell everything to. Him being the one to laugh at my jokes, and always has been the person to do that. Being the other part of "the babies or the little kids" that my family still refers to us as. I mean I really do miss Reagan-even when he let the water run while he was brushing his teeth. But I guess I never realized how great it was to have a person there to talk to.

I mean I really love to talk.  I really needed that. And your parents, are your parents and sometimes they don't have time to talk the way you want to talk. And that's where siblings/friends come in. So when I came back from Brazil and Reagan wasn't there... It really hammered the first nail into my loneliness.

Then, me being the person that I am, has best friends that graduated and now are all gone and off to college starting a new chapter in their lives. Second blow into loneliness.

Then, El Paso, the fact that there's so little to do in this town makes going out monotonous. Monotony is boring, and boring just makes it easier to stay inside the house, which only sometimes makes me feel lonelier. Moseying around the house going from phone to reading to watching tv to talking to parents to looking in refrigerator multiple times to sometimes baking, or facetiming Hugo, or sometimes writing, or getting frustrated at writers block to ultimately, doing my most common activity nowadays, napping.

People keep asking me if I'm ready for school. Usually I tell them no. Ha! But honestly, I'm not ready for school in the sense that school can sometimes escalate loneliness. My best friends are gone from school. My brother is no longer there. And I just feel, unprepared. I'm ready for school in the sense that it will keep me occupied. (But my lazy alter ego usually shuts that thought up.)

I'm not saying I don't have friends. I do. It's just that sometimes they're not as accessible as I would like them to be. Or transportation is an issue. Or parents or school or work or whatever.

The value of friendship is just really hitting me hard in this season of my life. And it's coming at a time with a lot of other changes, and crossroads, and detours, decisions, endings and beginnings in my life and family's lives.

I really hope this doesn't just sound like I'm complaining. But hey, I don't have anyone to vent to anymore right?

Maybe if someone reads this they'll take me out and we can talk! :)

I have a feeling I'll be on this a lot more. I gotta tell you, the good part about being lonely is it leaves you with a lot of time to yourself and your thoughts. And lots of thinking leads to inspiration eventually. And inspiration usually leads to good stories. So, many more screenwriting ideas have blossomed from this time of solitude and disconsolation. I need to write more anyways. It's a good way to relieve my creative juices.

I was serious about the someone taking me out thing before though.

Until next time when I share about the wonderful Brasil... Saudades.

Love, your newfound 'recluse' Shelby



Love you weenie javelina legs!

Lying On the Flagstone

It's late. I love and hate late nights. I love them because I'm all alone and I hate them because I'm all alone. But, I use them to get a lot of thinking done. Aaaand...sometimes Facebook stalk people, but, I digress.
I have a lot of things on my mind. School is officially out. Finally. But it ended on this weird note. Like, if I had to describe the feelings its like where you feel like your about to burp, but then it just goes away.

Am I losing you? What I'm trying to say is, the year felt unfinished, flawed, cut off, and the grains of sand that represent the days of summer feel like they're already slipping. My screenplay finished. My senior year is here. My best friends are leaving. This year is past. It's done. But oddly, I'm not completely ready for this new year. Not yet. It's waiting at the door, ringing the bell and I'm yelling from across the house "HOLD ON, ONE MOMENT, I'M GETTING READY."

I think I'm really just scared.

I'm really really scared. It's not that I haven't wanted THIS YEAR for a long time, but I feel unprepared.
I'm scared.

What if my dreams don't come true?

What if I don't leave? What if I find no one? What if I settle? What if I become a nobody? What if I never go back to Ukraine? What if I'm all alone this year? What if ____?

I feel so...out of control.
I feel like I have the world at my fingertips and  yet I have no control over it.
Physically and emotionally.

I feel all of my artistic expression pent up inside me. I see it. I hear it. I imagine it. I see my future. I see my films, but yet...a part of them loses it's vibrance when the thought creeps into my mind that there's A LOT of people wanting to do what I do. Or... I'm really not that good. I need to create-but with my field of dreams, I worry if no one will care about my creations. Care enough to invest in them. I worry if they will see my vision and embrace it. I just... worry.

I fool myself. In good and bad ways. Mostly bad. I know that of course there is someone for everyone...but sometimes I worry that there's no one for me. Yes, yes, I'm 17 bla bla bla I've heard it... I'm young. I KNOW. But, well... actually that's all I'm going to say about that on a public blog. The story goes much deeper and emotional but that's way too much for this. Anyways, the point is, I worry no one's out there for me, that TRULY is what I need AND what I want. I want someone that is even the things I don't ever ask for out loud. Does that make sense? I want someone that even fit's the things I don't talk about with other people.

I'm disappointed. I'm scared. I feel uneasy. Sometimes I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Because even talking about my thoughts seem chaotic and uncontrollable. It's overwhelming.

There are so many problems in the world. I have a list of things I need to do. I have a list of things I want to do. I have a list of things I need help with. And I have a list of things I want to do but can't do on my own. I have a list of people to pray for. I have a list of things to pray for. I have a list of what I want to write about. I have a list of what I want in a man. I have a list of just things I need. I even have a list of just things I need to remember. Good thing I have Siri to help me with those things. Not really, she kind of sucks when it comes to anything other than setting an alarm.

I worry. I hate letting people down and so I worry about that too. Being an entertainer means being a people pleaser, and that causes me insurmountable amounts of stress. I must say, that lately that HAS subsided since the excessive amount of time spent in school caused me to think thoughts like "I just feel like giving them all the bird and walking out the FRONT DOORS. Ain't no one gonna lay a hand on me."
I got REALLLLLLYYYY lazy the past couple of weeks. But laziness, procrastination, and people pleasing are a terrible combination that combust into a careless, heap of low self worth and stress.

I joke, but in all honesty. I love to make people happy. So, on top of the things I do for myself- I worry about the things I must do for other people. I hate to disappoint.

This blog doesn't really have a point. I guess it's just me processing.

I don't even know what my summer in Brazil holds. I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm just going to step off the plane into the Rio airport and THEN it will hit me that I'm there. For some reason though, it is refreshing to have no sense of expectations and not have to worry. God has a plan-that's why I'm in missions, and i'm just going to follow and trust it'll all be okay.

I don't really know anything anymore. God, hope and dreams are the only things I feel like I have firmly planted beneath me. People are leaving me. Life is changing, everyone is moving on and I'm stuck in this weird gray purgatory area of transition.

To quote my mom, who I believe quoted my Nana, "Lord, save us all!"

That's exactly how I feel. Lord...save us all?

There's a lot of problems in the world, me included and lying on the cold flagstone in my kitchen only makes me feel better for a short amount of time. I don't even know what to do anymore. I have a list of things and I don't know where to start.

So Lord, save us all. Seriously.

Happy First Day of Summer right?

Love, your frazzled night owl, Shelby

Україна

I was reading through my blog and I realized that I have never talked about Ukraine... say what?! Yea. For those of you who are around me a lot I basically will bring up Ukraine once in at least every conversation. It made that much of an impression on me. It was by far the best time in my life, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I even have the Ternopil and Kyiv weather statuses on my iphone...just so I can imagine what it's like there at the moment.

There were many reasons why I loved Ukraine. The moment I stepped out of the Kiev-Borispol airport I felt it. No, maybe it was the conversation with the Ukrainian man before that on the plane on the way from Munich to Kiev. However, everything seemed pretty foggy then considering I was sleep deprived and I'm pretty sure he had been drinking Vodka. But, nonetheless, something in my soul clicked with Ukraine. I didn't even have to talk with anyone before I knew that this place was something special.

I remember praying to God and saying that my heart felt like a dam with a crack in it, and just two days into the trip my heart burst with blue and yellow love.

Well, first, I was with my best friends. The whole friend thing kind of made everything have a good solid foundation. I was in good standing with everyone so there was no kind of awkwardness with anyone. Plus I love my friends, and we made some of the best memories on that trip together. Particularly late nights in Hotel Ruta and at the Kyiv dorms/cabin rooms.

Then, I realized I loved the culture. Eastern Europe had like never dawned on me, but after going to Ukraine, even seeing Cyrillic text anywhere lights me up inside. I love the history behind the Soviet Union, I love the weather, I love the people, I love everything about it. I love that they are a fiercely independent country. I love who Ukraine is. Every experience I had lit me up. I can physically remember the sights, smells, and the way I felt almost every where we went that I can think of. 9 months later. It's as vivid as if it was yesterday.

It was clear when once I was praying to God and saying that why have I always thought of India, and Pakistan and all these other places I thought I was meant for. And God said to me, (at the time it was raining outside), But what about here? Who will be my light here?

Oh, ok...and from then on, each and every day God spoke to me. Ministered to me. Through someone, or something, or even through prophecy.

I think that was the other thing that made Ukraine so great. God spoke to me A LOT during that trip. One of the most simple yet profound experiences I ever had was from the train to Kyiv from Ternopil. I was sleeping on the top, 'bed' of the sleeper cars, and the window was open so the breeze from the train was hitting me. And I was woken up. Not suddenly, or by someone, but I just woke up. And I heard (God) say, Look Outside, so I did and it was the most beautiful field of sunflowers. And I heard God say, THIS is just for you. I did this just for you! See, this seems so simple, but sunflowers are my favorite flower. And it's kind of a thing God and I have about me being sunshine, so it may seem simple to one reading this, but for God to wake me up simply to show me a field of sunflowers, was so...touching to me. He loves me that much, he KNOWS me, even my favorite flower...to wake me up just so I can see a field of them? Even thinking about it makes me smile and tear up. After I enjoyed that view for a while, I sighed contentedly and went back to sleep.

Or how about the time that God gave me the most powerful word ever. I was at a worship service that I didn't even WANT to be at at the time, and GOD brought the worship leader down to come pray for me, and prophesy over me. I won't necessarily tell the whole story, but basically, it was as huge word with a lot of responsibility but nonetheless changed my life and my outlook on life.

The people. Awgh, so many people God put in my life that even if I only met them and talked with them for a few minutes, I remember everything about them. Everyone I met there, touched my life somehow. Everyone. And of course there were those people that I talked with for hours there, and I still take from those conversations today.

I know God used that trip to teach me. To teach me about himself, his character, his faithfulness, his knowledge of us and each details of our hearts and minds and dreams. But, there was a significance that it took place in Ukraine. But seriously every place we went. I remember and think about like every day.

Ternopil, the coffee shop, the church, Hotel freakin Ruta, the morning prayer, that department store that I can't remember the name of, that flea market, all the thrift stores, our put together coffee shop, the playground down the way, all the buses, the YWAM base, the restaurants, the center square, the park and the lake.

Lviv, the cathedrals, the beautiful streets, the H&M that SO was there, the coffee shop with the beautiful man that was the only thing that could cheer me up...

Kiev, the base, the river, the boat, the subway, the gypsy camp that took 8 millions hours to get to, the department store we stopped at, the autism school, the church (my group) went to with the electric worship, that park where we found Roxy, the OTHER market in Kiev, and finally, all the cathedrals, where God even taught me a profound lesson in his holiness and glory inside St. Michaels in Kyiv.

I mean, I can't get over it. I think that that is God's way of telling me that this is my niche. Ukraine. I mean, I have to get back there. Granted, my heart has opened up to that whole area of Russia, Moldova, Hungary, Romania...etc... but Ukraine, will hold a special significance in my heart. I do not take lightly the old babushka's words at church we visited when I told her I loved Ukraine and she grabbed my hands in hers and said, "Ah I see you with a very handsome Ukrainian man and I wish for you that it comes true!" It was translated, but you get the gist.

I sure do hope I marry a Ukrainian, then I forever get a tie to that country I love.

The very mention of anything Ukraine, be it Chernobyl, a news article, an athlete, an actor, anything, my heart leaps. For so many things, to be back there, to know Ukrainian/Russian already, to live there, to marry a Ukrainian ;), and to be able to walk my cobble stoned niche called Ukraine.

I know that I will become a director one day. I have a feeling I'll become pretty successful too. But it's all in God's timing. My career. But one thing I know for sure in my future is my return to Ukraine.

I basically have not stopped talking about it since I left. A piece of me literally was left there, and I want to go back and get it. I pray that that is soon. And I think it will be. I won't explain all the promises I believe God will give me soon. But, Ukraine has now become a beacon of hope for my future. It represents my future as a whole. My ultimate dream? Filming a movie in Ukraine. Now THAT is the best of both of MY worlds.

Oh God, I hope that it all happens. Especially with the Ukrainian man part ;P!

But, I digress.

The point is I love Ukraine. I'll be back soon. And I don't think many countries can take it's position of significance in my heart.

I miss everyone there, and I hope that they read this. I'll see you all soon. Seriously in the next 2 years for sure.

I love you all.

Love, your honorary Ukrainian, Shelby